


What to wait for

by Misila



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Angst, Disturbing Themes, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Content, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:07:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7621342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misila/pseuds/Misila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka doesn't want tonight to end.</p><p>Because when it ends, the morning will come. Because Rin will walk away into the sunrise an there’s no guarantee he’ll ever come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

 

The night before Rin leaves, everything starts excruciatingly gentle.

There’s no rush to take their clothes off, no impatient questions or anxious nibbles that always manage to break skin. Once Haruka is fully seated on Rin’s lap he looks into those fiery eyes, clouded by two hundreds feelings that shouldn’t be there and one that fits the situation, the same Haruka finds in sharp teeth scrapping his lower lip as Rin leans his head on the wall the mattress is pulled up against, stares at the ceiling without really seeing it.

The wall was once white, but now it has the colour of old parchment. It looks as fragile as one, with humidity stains here and there, but it has never failed to hold their weight when they pin each other against it; it’s the only one that has never betrayed their secret, either.

Haruka leans down to kiss Rin’s lips when rough fingers brush his hip in something that is both a suggestion and a request. He moves slowly, swinging back and forth rather than lifting himself to drop his weight again to try to feel Rin deeper even. Not yet.

He doesn’t want tonight to end.

Rin’s hands slide up his sides, deliberately slow to tickle and cause Haruka to shudder. His arms pull Haruka close, the legs crossed beneath Haruka shifting ever so slightly, but enough to elicit a moan from Haruka, to prompt him to finally move and start seeking that addictive friction. Haruka’s fingers find Rin’s shoulders, nails digging into his skin to keep his balance as he adjusts to an agonizingly unhurried pace, that nonetheless feels way too fast.

Because when it ends, the morning will come. Because Rin will walk away into the sunrise an there’s no guarantee he’ll ever come back.

Rin places every moan, every sound he doesn’t want anyone else to hear, on Haruka’s lips. It’s both a gift and a way to let him know it’s all his fault, and Haruka retaliates the same way, his self-control fraying when Rin’s hips start lifting to meet him halfway in every push.

They’re speeding up, slowly but surely, and Haruka wants to scream. Because it feels unfairly good, because a small irrational part in him refuses to think about anything else than how the earlier it ends, the sooner Rin will go away. Because as his nails tear into Rin’s back and Rin’s teeth pierce the base of his neck he can only pull his lover even closer and wish the marks last until they see each other again.

 _If_ they see each other again.

The uninvited thought makes his head spin around.

Haruka senses Rin’s sudden hesitation, as if he noticed something isn’t alright, and with efficiency born out of habit he finds Rin’s chin and lifts it to crash his lips against a mouth that tastes like his own blood. He doesn’t want Rin to realise, doesn’t want him to ask and make Haruka say it aloud. Doesn’t want it to become realer than it already is.

So, despite himself, Haruka lowers the hand holding Rin’s chin, slipping it in between their bodies only to be slapped off by Rin’s own, which gets to its goal first. Haruka’s back arches, head thrown back, their rhythm lost somewhere beneath their irregular breathing, until Rin’s hand shoves him back down. Haruka’s surprised cry is probably heard outside the bedroom.

And for a glorious whole minute, as Rin keeps thrusting and tugging at his cock, nothing beyond them matters. It doesn’t matter they’re heard and threatened with being sent to different bases because they’re together now. It doesn’t matter Rin is about to leave because right now he’s _here_ , overwhelming Haruka’s every sense in the sweetest way possible.

Haruka comes first, and only not having enough air in his lungs prevents him from waking other people up; Rin cries his own orgasm in Haruka’s shoulder only seconds later. Haruka hooks his legs around Rin’s waist as both of them regain their breath, reaches for the back of Rin’s head to draw him into another kiss.

It’s then when he notices the tears gathering in the corners of Rin’s eyes.

“Rin…”

“I don’t want to leave again.”

Haruka freezes.

“Are you scared?”

Rin kisses Haruka instead of answering. Slowly, as if to make up for rushing everything in the end. There aren’t tears in his eyes when Haruka looks again.

“Let’s take a shower.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Privacy is often non-existent at the Samezuka base. The only way to shower without another twenty men around one is doing it late at night, when everyone is sleeping.

Haruka and Rin are on opposite ends of the big common showers, not daring be closer just in case someone barges in. While sexual intercourse is not only not forbidden, but also encouraged, romantic relationships between soldiers are considered little less than crimes. Releasing the excess of energy is one thing; feelings, however, always bring instability.

Haruka often wonders about this. He doesn’t think the official stance is strictly true, but he doesn’t know how much of his resistance to believe it is born from conviction and how much is a way to soothe his conscience in case Rin gets hurt. The idea of putting Rin in danger just by allowing him into a part of Haruka nobody has ever seen haunts him ever since the first time they kissed.

And yet he can’t refuse Rin anything, not even after what happened.

Rin leaves first, not sparing Haruka a glance as he walks away. Haruka exhales softly at the sight of the scratches decorating his back, but soon he’s focused on feeling the water slide down his skin again. It’s one of the few things that make living in the base bearable these days.

When he arrives back to his bedroom, Rin is laying on his back on the mattress, with a towel still wrapped around his waist. Haruka thinks he’s asleep until he sits by his side and a hand grabs his wrist, sleepy eyes opening just barely.

“I was starting to think you had drowned,” Rin jokes.

“Sorry to disappoint you.” Haruka’s gaze wanders to the bedside table, to the paint brush and the bottle of ink. “Symbols?”

Rin shrugs.

“If it makes you feel better.”

Haruka soon is straddling Rin’s hips, leaning on his pulled up legs. He breathes in deeply before setting the brush on Rin’s skin and starting drawing. Symbols in a dead language aren’t the best of helps, but graphic magic is the only way Haruka can protect Rin without being with him– which he can’t do; his function in the military is strictly defensive, therefore he isn’t allowed to leave the base.

“I’m scared,” Rin mumbles when Haruka finishes the third symbol. His head is turned to his right, his gaze fixed on the window and the hand absent-mindedly caressing Haruka’s thigh trembles.

Haruka can’t blame him.

He knows Rin isn’t afraid of dying. No; his fear is more reasonable. Haruka suppresses a shudder when he remembers the state Rin came back in after being kidnapped, interrogated and tortured by the enemy. He was more dead than alive, waiting for his execution even after being repeatedly told he was safe now. It took him several days to understand Haruka, Sousuke and Rei were real and not just drug-induced hallucinations.

“It’ll be alright,” he replies in a whisper, reaching out to brush Rin’s hair out of his face. “You just have to remember to take care.”

“Captain Mikoshiba gave me a pill,” Rin explains quietly.

Haruka’s heart throbs painfully at that.

A pill means things are bad. It means the mission is so dangerous death would be better than failure. It’s given to the soldiers so they have a quick way to die in case they’re captured, so they don’t end up betraying their comrades under torture.

In Rin’s case, maybe it’s been given to him so he doesn’t say anything _more_ in case he’s caught again. It’s not usual for kidnapped soldiers to make it out alive; it’s even rarer for them to be allowed to do missions again. There is no way Rin hasn’t thought about this, and there’s no way he doesn’t know the true purpose behind the pill is giving him a temptation. The psychiatrist in charge of him during his physical recovery was clear: Rin is not likely to endure the pressure once he’s out there, exposed to many different dangers again.

Haruka leans down, kisses Rin’s temple before drawing back and resuming drawing.

“But you’ll be with Yamazaki, right?” Rin hums, nodding slightly. “He better makes sure nothing happens to you.”

“Oi, I’m not that defenceless on my own, you know?” Rin replies as he looks at him, suddenly offended.

“I know.” Rin might not have an ounce of magic in his body, but he’s deathly good at using any kind of weapon. And he’s been gifted with an astonishing imagination to view anything as such.

However, Rin doesn’t look pleased with Haruka’s answer. “You think like the rest of them, don’t you?”

Haruka’s brush stills before starting the next symbol.

“What?”

“I don’t plan to kill myself,” Rin snaps, anger evident in his voice. “I want to come back… I– I _will_ come back. Even if it’s– well…” He looks aside. “For whatever reason they let me live once, right? They might as well–”

The hand on Haruka’s thigh shakes violently now. That’s not what Rin wants to say.

“Rin…”

“Don’t. They all expect me to die or to commit suicide. Don’t say that, you too.”

Haruka sets the brush on the bedside table.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” he states. “All I can do is waiting for you, which I will do regardless of your choice.” He takes Rin’s hands in his, pulls until Rin sits up. Bleary eyes fix on Haruka’s blue ones. “And asking you not to get hurt. There’s no point of you being here if you spend all your time in the infirmary.”

Laughter bubbles from deep within Rin’s chest.

“You’re right.” He leans his head on Haruka’s shoulder, his nose brushing the side of Haruka’s neck. “I’m just overthinking, anyway.” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll try not to keep you waiting for too long, okay?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rin gets up at dawn.

As usual, he rouses Haruka when he gets off the bed. As usual, Haruka pretends to be asleep.

Rin shuffles around the room in search of his clothes, sits on the foot of the bed to get dressed. Haruka cracks one eye open the tiniest bit, catches a glimpse of the map made of scars on Rin’s back. Beneath the marks Haruka’s own nails have left there are corpses of burns, cuts, lacerations– scars that not even magic could prevent from staying there. Haruka always stops himself from thinking too much about the story behind the already healed wounds (he knows more than enough, he’s well aware they hurt Rin, he has no need to learn about the specifics of something Rin can only bring himself to _mention_ on the good days), but nothing can stop him from wondering how Rin must have felt when they were made.

A sigh leaves Rin’s lips when he finishes putting his boots on. He stands up, turns around as Haruka closes his eye quickly. Haruka hears steps walking close to him, senses the mattress sinking as Rin’s calloused fingers take his right hand– the one that rests on the pillow, close to Haruka’s head.

“I know you’re awake,” Rin whispers, and his voice caresses Haruka’s ear. “But let’s pretend you’re not, okay?”

Haruka keeps still, heartbeat resounding in his eardrums. It’s the first time Rin sees through his tiny lie; or, at least, the first one he addresses it.

“I don’t intend on using the pill, because I want to come back. But–” Rin exhales softly– “I don’t know if when I’m away… I’m scared that maybe it will look like a good idea out there.”

Haruka’s pulse speeds up. Afraid, pained, helpless.

“But it’s not like I have the option of staying here, right?”

“Run away,” Haruka hears himself say, momentarily forgotten their deal.

Rin’s hand tightens around his. For some seconds, he says nothing. Then his other hand flicks Haruka’s nose.

“I’m not following some sleep-talker’s advice.” There’s a sad smile hidden in his voice. “I might be going half-crazy with all this, but I’m not a coward,” he adds, almost too quietly to hear even though almost nobody in the building is awake yet.

Haruka can’t keep up the game anymore. He opens his eyes, fixes his gaze on Rin’s face as it hovers over him, red locks framing his troubled expression.

“Why are you telling me that?” he asks, serious. He doesn’t think Rin understands how much his words hurt. “Are you saying goodbye?”

Rin looks away.

“I just– If something goes wrong, I don’t want you to… to keep waiting– it’d be so unfair.”

Haruka raises his free hand, places two fingers on Rin’s lips to stop him from saying anything else.

“Don’t worry about me.” He doesn’t stop when Rin’s eyes widen, staring into Haruka’s again. “Use that energy to come back, if that’s what you really want.”

For a second, neither of them speaks. Rin looks away once more, kisses the fingers placed on his mouth. Then he leans down, resting his head on Haruka’s shoulder; it’s not until Haruka’s arms wrap around him that he realises how much weight Rin has lost lately. He can feel his ribs, his backbone, eerily well.

Fear smothers Haruka, and now there’s nothing he can do to get rid of it.

“Just in case,” Rin whispers, gently drawing back and standing up, “you better know damn well I love you.”

Haruka’s _yes_ gets stuck in his throat as Rin walks out of the room, once more disappearing into the sunrise.  He realises, with a flip of his stomach that makes him feel nauseous, that he doesn’t know what he’ll be waiting for.

The mission, the pill, Rin’s fear.

Haruka wonders if this is how nightmares begin.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was experimenting and this happened. I might come back to give it a less open ending, but for the time being I like this too.
> 
> Comments are appreciated ^^


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help myself.
> 
> I didn't mean to post it, but my computer is dying and I don't want it to disappear, so.

 

 

 

 

The night after Rin comes back, everything should happen in a rush.

Happiness, remainders of adrenaline, relief– the temptation of getting carried away, of pushing Haruka inside the nearest empty room and pretending to be annoyed when he gets pinned against the wall, of taking everything that seemed like a particularly good dream when he was out there and didn’t dare sleep out of fear, is far too great to ignore it.

It’s the second time things go slightly differently.

Rin tries not to think about the first one– he doesn’t even remember arriving into the base, drowning in drugs, black magic and pain. He can only be happy he wasn’t caught this time, that it’s Haruka’s arms and not a cold metallic stretcher what holds him in silence.

And Rin doesn’t miss sex, at least not right now. His face is half buried in the side of Haruka’s neck, the subtle scent emanating from him calming Rin down, reminding him this is real. He came back; and as he listens to Haruka’s breathing everything he’s seen out there seems like a bad dream. One Rin can’t shake off his mind, but it’s still better than choking on his own terror.

Haruka mistakes the shaky sigh Rin can’t hold inside.

“Does it hurt that much?”

Rin lowers his gaze, fixes it on the cast immobilising his left leg. The honest answer would be that pain is half of what stops him from thinking further about _what ifs_ and _almosts_ , but Rin doesn’t need Haruka to now that. He already caused him enough grief when he decided sharing his fears regarding the pill just before leaving was a good idea.

“It’s fine,” he lies. “It’s not the first time I break a bone.”

“I can make it better,” Haruka offers. Rin sees the subtle glow shining on Haruka’s fingertips as they absent-mindedly tap on Rin’s waist, already prepared to soothe the pain. It wouldn’t be the first time he helps Rin where medicines fail.

But Rin shakes his head.

“I’ll survive,” he mutters, grinding his teeth to endure a new wave of agony.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Rin draws back to look at Haruka. He sees concern in his gaze, but also a calm content. “When you left– I didn’t really think you’d kill yourself unless there was another option. But it was still scary to hear.”

Something clenches Rin’s heart, and it’s not because of Haruka’s statement. There was a time when the two of them actively avoided that topic; the pill was something in the back of their minds anyway, never an actual worry.

Rin knows exactly what has changed since then.

“I’m sorry.” In that moment, being honest with Haruka seemed like the best option; now Rin realises he only gave his lover another reason to worry.

Haruka pulls him into a tighter hug, shaking his head as if to say _it’s okay_. Rin doesn’t know who he’s doing that for, but before he can think about it his leg throbs again. He flinches.

“You sure you’re alright?”

Rin knows he can’t tell Haruka he welcomes the pain, despite it altering his breathing. Not because he doesn’t want to upset his lover anymore; he just can’t bring himself to talk about his kidnapping, can’t even think about it without his heartbeat speeding up and his surroundings swaying dangerously. But being in pain when he’s injured, as opposed to seeing strips of skin being teared off him without feeling anything at all, is natural.

“Yes.”

It’s obvious Haruka doesn’t believe him.

Rin is too tired to mind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka’s arms aren’t there when Rin awakens drenched in sweat, with his leg burning and an out of tune orchestra playing in his head.

It’s not unusual. Their relationship is a well-known secret by now; and the fact that Sousuke caught them tangled in each other once is the less evident proof. Rin was the first one who didn’t want anyone to know, but he couldn’t exactly help calling Haruka while he was delirious after his kidnapping. And Haruka was, according to Sousuke, too stupid to make up an excuse nobody would have believed anyway.

Mikoshiba’s first warning came shortly afterwards, as soon as Rin was lucid enough to understand what was going on around him.

Rin refuses to believe the military’s motto. Or, rather, he refuses to see it as a bad thing. Feelings might bring instability; but had it not been for knowing Haruka was waiting for him, Rin’s mind would have convinced him to make use of the pill when he awoke to a broken leg and nobody with him, too soon for Sousuke to find him and smack some sense back into his head.

Rin swallows as he tries to forget that. Then he pouts, maybe childishly; but he’s in pain and Haruka isn’t with him.

He lets his gaze wander around the room, spots the crutches leaning against the yellowish wall not too far from his bed. A familiar voice reaches him from outside the half-open door.

“…getting him in trouble.”

“He asked me to…”

“Of course he did; he’s sick, he doesn’t want to be alone.”

Haruka sighs, and there’s something undeniably exhausted in the sound that makes the back of Rin’s eyelids itch and burn. “Then what’s the matter?”

“The matter is Mikoshiba doesn’t like it. He expected Rin to die, he wanted to prove his point to the rest of us. Whether Rin realises it or not is irrelevant. He won’t stop until he dies or you leave him alone.”

Rin closes his eyes, wills the itching to go away. Under different circumstances, he would speak up for himself, probably to tell Sousuke to mind his own damn business because he he’s too tired to be tactful to his friend; but he’s mildly worried his limbs will fall off if he tries to move. So Rin lays back down carefully and closes his eyes, wishing he could make that conversation never happen.

“I don’t care about Mikoshiba.”

“Then care about Rin. You can’t stay in the military _and_ in a relationship with him.”

Rin doesn’t hear Sousuke’s steps walking away; he notices, however, Haruka walking into the room again, closing the door behind him. It’s not like Rin wants to pretend to be asleep, but his head is about to blow up and he doesn’t think opening his eyes to the dim light preceding sunrise will help.

“Rin?” Haruka’s fingers brush his damp hair.

“Hurts,” Rin breathes out, face contorted in pain.

“You’re hot– let me help.” It sounds like a plea, and Rin can only nod; he’s too tired to fight back. Haruka’s free hand covers his tentatively, as if asking for permission. He does that ever since Rin left the infirmary after his torture, Rin notices as he nods again.

The part of Rin that isn’t in pain scolds him for being so weak. He was determined to endure it, both because it’s better than not feeling and because he _needed_ to prove himself he won’t betray his comrades again, but he can’t even do that and Rin hates himself a bit more.

Yet Haruka’s magic is fresh, a calming current of energy flowing through Rin’s body without finding resistance, because one of the few things Rin would bet his life on ―if it had any value, anyway― is that Haruka would never hurt him. Just like water, the flow cools Rin down enough for him to think with relative ease, even though there’s a residual pain no magic can make disappear.

“Thanks,” he mutters. He opens his eyes, watches as Haruka lays down next to him again. “I heard you and Sousuke.” Haruka visibly tenses up, but says nothing. “Maybe he’s right.”

“What?”

“We can’t keep this up if we stay here.”

Haruka exhales slowly, looks away.

“I’m sorry for getting you in trouble.”

“No, that’s not–” Rin turns towards him, sneaks his arms around Haruka’s waist. “Don’t apologise for– for giving me reasons to come back.” He can feel his cheeks heating up. “I just meant… If we’re not here, nobody will mind what we are. And I’m already useless for this.”

“You’re not useless,” Haruka replies, hugging Rin back. Rin refuses to look up. Not because Haruka sounds suddenly angry (which he does), but because said resentment doesn’t sound like it’s aimed towards Rin. “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

 _But I’m not_ , Rin wants to reply. He gave in, he betrayed his comrades just because the pain got too bad for him to bear with his mouth shut.

“Let’s desert,” he says instead, almost too quiet for even Haruka to hear it.

Haruka’s arms tighten around Rin. He suggested the same thing the last night they spent together.

“That’s a crime.”

“I don’t care.” Rin bites down on his lower lip to suppress a sob; he’s tired of being scared of everything. He’s tired of pretending he’s not a coward. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

Haruka sighs.

“Go to sleep, Rin,” he orders softly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They leave as soon as Rin can walk without his crutches.

Only Sousuke is there to say goodbye; he promises to make sure they won’t be executed once the war ends. Maybe it’s Rin’s imagination, but the glare that usually connects his and Haruka’s eyes is mellowed. They even shake hands, nod at each other to show some sort of acknowledgement Rin can only begin to understand.

“Where will you go?” Sousuke asks quietly.

“East.”

Rin has never been in that part of the country ―which is strange; since he became a soldier he’s been in almost every city―, so he has to trust Haruka and those Tachibanas he talks so fondly about.

“Why don’t you come with us?” he asks Sousuke instead.

Sousuke shrugs. “Fighting is about the only thing I can do.”

Something within Rin screams _that isn’t right_ , but he can’t say why. Just like Sousuke, like Haruka, he is a child of war; he has never known what living in peace means. Part of him is scared of what will happen when the war ends, even though the combined efforts of soldiers, dragon riders and magicians are finally tipping the balance in their favour. It will be different, when the military stops being the most estimated demographic within the country.

He can only hope not to be alone when that happens.

“We should go,” Haruka mutters.

They don’t look back; only when they walk into the forest Rin grabs Haruka’s hand. “Sorry for dragging you with me.”

There are a thousand more things Rin wants to apologise to; but that’s probably the one that summarises most of them.

Haruka snorts.

“As if I liked being there.”

Rin has never really liked it either. He thought he would be a hero, but he’s everything his eight year-old self both feared and despised. And now he doesn’t even trust himself to keep doing it. He swallows down; how will he live in a peaceful country when all he can do is murdering?

“Rin.”

Haruka tugs at his hand, and it’s only then that Rin realises his steps have come to a halt.

“Can you keep walking?”

Rin’s grip around Haruka’s fingers tightens. “Yes.”

Haruka’s hand is warm enough to reassure Rin. He doesn’t need to worry about the future right now.

 

 

 

 


End file.
